There are certainly times when I wonder what on earth (or what in heaven) God is doing with my life. When I truly submit to His will, perhaps then I will be consoled, but in the meantime, I find myself grasping at the hem of Christ's garment, hoping that there is a sliver of healing to be found there. Yet at this time, Christ stares at me lovingly, yet chooses to refrain from performing a bold miracle for me in this present time.
I have often asked the question to myself, but mostly to God: "Why?". And it still remains the most pressing question. "Why, God? Just, why?" Sometimes I have asked this question in extreme anger and frustration - as well as in tears. Other times I have asked the question as though it were a plea or petition of sorts - like that of a child going to her mother or father to ask permission for something they think is good for them.
And, to take the analogy a little further, if a child goes running to his father when he has cut himself, a father would not be one to let his child suffer and continue to bleed. On the contrary - he would rush to attend to the needs of his own beloved child, washing the child's cut under cold water, and placing a bandage on the cut.
Likewise, Christ rushes towards us when we are in need of His tender love and mercy. He does not hesitate to come to us in our need - so long as we are aware of our own need. For, the physician cannot come to a patient who does not acknowledge or recognize that he is in need of care.
Yet there are times when a bandage would be of no use to the child. Sometimes the suffering the poor child endures is of a kind that the parent can only assist in an intercessory way, that is, through prayer. Sometimes, there is no explanation to the child's suffering - it simply is.
Yes, God our Father sometimes permits us to suffer, but he does not do so unnecessarily. If He needs to prevent it, He will. I firmly believe that there are many sufferings - be it illnesses, sicknesses, or even conflicts - that God actively chooses to intervene for us for our own sake. Yet I wonder: Do we even recognize those times when God intervenes for us?
Or is it the other way around? Are we so focused on the times that God does not intervene right away - or even in a way that we expect or hope for - that we fail to see the times that He is so gracious to us? I think it is very easy to slip into a mentality of, "Well, God could heal me right now, but He's not. WHY?" And, in a certain sense, this is a valid question. Yet, if we truly trusted in God's will, we could ask for healing, but wouldn't we still be open to whatever He has permitted for us to go through? That is the most challenging statement to hear - especially for myself. Sure, we can ask God why He permits us to suffer so much. Sometimes, there is a clear answer. And sometimes... the answer remains veiled from us.
And yet, in the midst of all my sufferings, I desire to remain faithful. I desire to remain hopeful. I desire to remain joyful. I will admit... No, I'm not always faithful. No, I'm not always hopeful. No, I'm not always joyful. But, in spite of the times where I have proven unfaithful, despairing, and miserable, I am still reminded of the two verses from the Gospels: "...Take up your cross and follow me" (Mt. 16:24). And: "For my yoke is easy, and my burden light." (Mt. 11:30).
Christ certainly has given us crosses to bear in this life. But He did not call us to bear them alone. We, as Christians - as the Mystical Body of Christ - are called, not to isolate, not to carry on in self-pity, but to.... (as in the wise words of Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings) to, "Share the load".
Christ encourages us, especially throughout the Scriptures, to yes, take up our cross, but to not be afraid to go forwards in bold confidence, trusting in His love and mercy. We are called to bear our crosses unashamedly, leaning on the support of our beloved Christ, who indeed invites us not only to share the load with him, but also with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ - to share in the trials of the Church Militant.
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